Use of food stamps is up 20% in the US, though use of food envelopes has yet to rise.
The British penal system has accidentally released almost 200 prisoners, whose ranks include rapists and murderers. Officials say the releases were caused by a combination of system overload and the recently cancelled prison weekend tradition, “Open Gate Sundays.”
Iran, in a show of anger and aggression towards the international community, announced their plans to build 10 new uranium enrichment plants this weekend. Man, I told you guys they were gonna find out we were having people over for Thanksgiving this year. France, you should’ve sent an invite! I know they smell… you smell too!
The glamorous Hollywood couple of Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhall has broken up. The pair released a joint statement saying they had grown apart ever since they realized there wasn’t a clever combination of their first names that the paparazzi could refer to them as. Jeesek will be missed.
Economists are saying the United States’ current financial environment is looking more and more like the recession of the early 1980s. The key difference is that this time around, no one can afford cocaine.
Florida authorities believe Paul Martikainen kidnapped his 3-year-old son Luke and escaped with the boy on a sailboat. Police have told the boy’s mother that she shouldn’t worry and that they’ll be in hot pursuit as soon as they finish getting their sailing certifications.
The world’s top professional golfer Tiger Woods has continued to refuse a sit down with the authorities after his car crash outside his house the other night, which came after a public revelation that Woods has been having an extramarital affair with a mystery woman named Rachel Uchitel. The authorities say Woods has nothing to be worried about and that they just want to know if it’d be cool if they asked out his hot-ass wife on a date.
An Australian police sergeant was booted from the force for issuing speeding fines that were cheaper than the legally required amount. This, apparently, wasn’t the sergeant’s only offense; his record contains such black marks as helping an old woman cross the street, letting an underage keg party off with just a warning and, most egregiously, refraining from beating any black people. What is WRONG with this MONSTER!
A 26-year-old acrobat was hospitalized after falling 40 feet to the ground during a holiday performance at Los Angeles’ Beverly Center mall. This is the most severe injury that’s happened inside a mall since the Great Free Mrs. Field’s Cookie Riots of 1997.
A British man has been arrested under suspicion of stabbing his ex-wife to death on the day she planned on holding a “Divorce Party.” When approached for comment, the man said, “We all celebrate in our own, special ways.”
New York senator Chuck Schumer is pleading with the NBA to have their official jerseys manufactured in the US rather than in China or India. The NBA players agree and they have asked that the condoms they use after the games be manufactured here as well.