THE Lukas Kaiser

Use of food stamps is up 20% in the US, though use of food envelopes has yet to rise.

The British penal system has accidentally released almost 200 prisoners, whose ranks include rapists and murderers. Officials say the releases were caused by a combination of system overload and the recently cancelled prison weekend tradition, “Open Gate Sundays.”

Iran, in a show of anger and aggression towards the international community, announced their plans to build 10 new uranium enrichment plants this weekend. Man, I told you guys they were gonna find out we were having people over for Thanksgiving this year. France, you should’ve sent an invite! I know they smell… you smell too!

The glamorous Hollywood couple of Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhall has broken up. The pair released a joint statement saying they had grown apart ever since they realized there wasn’t a clever combination of their first names that the paparazzi could refer to them as. Jeesek will be missed.

Economists are saying the United States’ current financial environment is looking more and more like the recession of the early 1980s. The key difference is that this time around, no one can afford cocaine.

Florida authorities believe Paul Martikainen kidnapped his 3-year-old son Luke and escaped with the boy on a sailboat. Police have told the boy’s mother that she shouldn’t worry and that they’ll be in hot pursuit as soon as they finish getting their sailing certifications.

The world’s top professional golfer Tiger Woods has continued to refuse a sit down with the authorities after his car crash outside his house the other night, which came after a public revelation that Woods has been having an extramarital affair with a mystery woman named Rachel Uchitel. The authorities say Woods has nothing to be worried about and that they just want to know if it’d be cool if they asked out his hot-ass wife on a date.

An Australian police sergeant was booted from the force for issuing speeding fines that were cheaper than the legally required amount. This, apparently, wasn’t the sergeant’s only offense; his record contains such black marks as helping an old woman cross the street, letting an underage keg party off with just a warning and, most egregiously, refraining from beating any black people. What is WRONG with this MONSTER!

A 26-year-old acrobat was hospitalized after falling 40 feet to the ground during a holiday performance at Los Angeles’ Beverly Center mall. This is the most severe injury that’s happened inside a mall since the Great Free Mrs. Field’s Cookie Riots of 1997.

A British man has been arrested under suspicion of stabbing his ex-wife to death on the day she planned on holding a “Divorce Party.” When approached for comment, the man said, “We all celebrate in our own, special ways.”

New York senator Chuck Schumer is pleading with the NBA to have their official jerseys manufactured in the US rather than in China or India. The NBA players agree and they have asked that the condoms they use after the games be manufactured here as well.

It sucks that when you grow up you have to leave people behind. In your arrogant youth, you think you’ve moved past those people. But once you’re older and a bit wiser, you realize it’s just that though your paths used to be parallel, now they diverge.

You’re not “better” than the guy who stayed in your hometown and works at the gas station (even if he picked on you). You’re just different.

The older you get, the further you move from those people you used to know. Sometimes, it’s nice to see what those people are up to. More often than not, you’ll be surprised. Financial and career success doesn’t equal an interesting or meaningful life. Though someone who is rich and successful can be interesting.

That’s sort of the story with the Bizzie Boyz. The core of the ’80s era Greensboro, NC hip-hop group was Mixmasta D, Willski, Rhythm Fanatic (and the two dancers, Move and Groove). The group put out a song, Droppin’ It, that had some success on East coast radio. The track even found a place on Ego Trip’s “The Big Playback” compilation.

The group cut an album and there was some buzz. But Willksi moved up North (for a minute), changed his name to Ski Beatz and ended up producing a good chunk of Jay-Z’s Reasonable Doubt. The Rhythm Fanatic had a similar career trajectory (changed his name to Fanatic and did production work for Michael Jackson and Beyonce).

So where does that leave Mixmaster D? Stuck in Greesnboro, NC, following his own path. Dude changed his name to Dana Lucci and has been percolating in Greensboro for 10 years (“Droppin’ It” came out in 1989).

By the sounds of this bizarre remix, dude is just as interesting (or more so) than the bandmates who got away. On the surface level, this is possibly the worst Jackson 5 remix I’ve ever heard. The tempo matches but nothing else does.

But I’m compelled to listen to the whole thing. There’s something there. I want to hear more from Dana Lucci. Mixmaster D? Holler.

Ever spent any time with the mentally handicapped? I don’t mean like, have you talked to someone with down’s syndrome once or like own the Life Goes On DVD set (which does exist).

I more mean like, do you have a brother who is mentally handicapped? Or have you volunteered at any length with the Special Olympics or a similar organization?

I ask because I have. I worked with my mom for a rehabilitation group that was dedicated to mentally AND physically handicapped kids between the ages of (I believe) 6 and 13. It was fun and sad and rewarding and a drag all at the same time, blah blah yadda yadda.

I only bring this up (and ask the question I did at the top) because I wanted to share a bit of insight I learned back then (and am wondering if I’m alone in gaining this insight). One thing I learned (the hard way) is that the vast majority of mentally handicapped people believe, for one reason or another, that they aren’t of lesser intelligence than everyone else.

Now sure, we can squabble about what exactly “smart” is and whether functioning autistics are actually smarter than the rest of us and all that. But a wheelchair-bound kid with down’s syndrome who, at the age of 12 can’t spell his own name is, sadly enough, less smart than other kids his age. By all metrics available, he is less smart.

So it’s a remarkable thing about the human spirit that a kid who is objectively less intelligent than other people believes he is of normal intelligence (and, in some cases, that he is in fact special, the term of favor by many an infantilizing parent).

I was reminded of this (pretty sad) phenomenon when I saw excepts of Sarah Palin’s new book hit the Internet (or “web”). Palin is a person who is, by all outsider and insider accounts, objectively dumber than the average person. It’s not just that she doesn’t read newspapers but that she can’t name any. It’s not just that she has the wrong opinion on foreign policy but that she can’t figure out which wrong opinion to have.

She is an objectively dumb person.

And we’ve paid her to write a book. That’s mean.

It’s mean in the same way that it would’ve been mean if I asked one of the mentally handicapped kids I worked with to start their own blog or star in a short film.

Because they don’t know they don’t know any better. Maybe it’s time we told them?